Be Careful What You Wish For...

I wrote this post a couple of weeks ago. I have been hanging on to it, too busy to log in to post it. Thought I would share it:

I had always imagined myself as an independent person, and at 16, feeling trapped in a too-small Wisconsin town I dreamt of the day that I would fly around, first class, and solve problems. Of course, at 16 I never really knew what that meant. I glamorized it to fabulous locations with great clothes. Work travel has brought me to every corner of this country and to some of the posh-est hotels but I would trade it all in a heart-beat to read and tuck my son into bed.
I always feel a wide swath of emotion when I travel. I hate being away, but there’s nothing that puts perspective on your life better than looking out over the land and at a distance seeing how small everything really is. Early on after Nolan was born I felt nothing but shame, guilt and remorse when I traveled. A heavy, difficult mix of emotion that did very little for my relationships, but today I have a different perspective. I learned that guilt is corrosive. It just erodes everything around you, to the point where nothing looks or feels the same anymore.

So, tonight, as I sit in first class, flying to a client that expects me to help them solve their problems I consider my options. My Grandmother had a quote hanging on her restroom wall (a place where she figured folks had a moment to reflect) by Charles Swindoll. The jest of that quote is that your attitude shapes your perspective. So I am trying very hard to have a good perspective on the travel that is required for my work. That it will give Nolan a well-rounded Mother (and an exhausted Father?), that it will help infuse a sense of confidence in me that has been gone for quite a while now; that, if I were really truthful with myself, is very much a part of what makes me sane and crazy all at the same time. I long for the day when I am home, period. When travel is a choice we make as a family because we want to go somewhere fun. Until then, I will enjoy what travel brings, and spend guilt-free, quality time with my loved ones, when I’m in town.